I don’t want to hide my thoughts and opinions. I don’t
want to conceal my feelings for what I believe to be the benefit of myself or
others. I don’t want to but I do, and I have been doing it for years. That’s
not to say I don’t have my reasons because believe me, I do—but is it truly
benefiting anyone? I can’t speak for everyone else, nobody can. We can only
speak for ourselves, and I have come to believe that it is not to my benefit to
hide how I truly feel. It is not healthy. It is not healthy for anyone to stuff
their emotions so deep down inside, “I’m fine” becomes a knee-jerk reaction.
But somehow, I’ve managed to do it for years, and I know many others have as
well. “How are you?” “I’m fine”, I quip before I even realize that is not how I
feel nor is what I wanted to say. We don’t do anything in life unless there is
some sort of payoff, even if it is subconscious. So how does it get to this
point where we tell ourselves this two-worded white lie is a sufficient
response to what seems to be a genuine question? I say “we” because I know I am
not the only one. But I think everyone whom just read this probably circled
around the word, “genuine”. Do you question whether someone genuinely wants to
know how you are? I know I do. I think at a certain point in our lives we can
almost energetically feel the difference between a person whom cares when it is
convenient, and a person whom just cares. It’s palpable. It’s a feeling you can
cut with a knife. As a matter of fact it is more than a feeling, it is more
than words, because it is words backed up by actions. They don’t just say they
are here for you, they are there for you. They are not the person that simply
says, “I’m praying for you”, they are out doing God’s work. They don’t say I
care about you, they show you. They don’t just say, “I love you”, they make
sure through their actions there is not a single doubt in your mind that would
ever make you question it. Sometimes, they are not the people you would expect
them to be but they are the people you couldn’t imagine your life without.
Unfortunately, I fear I too often focus on those that
are not there, than those that are. Most recently, and quite unexpectedly after
my post on being raped and attempting suicide, I quickly dropped from feeling happy
and proud of myself to old feelings of self-hate and desolation. While
overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I received in the comments, private
messages, texts and phone calls, my attention was soon drawn towards those I thought
or rather hoped would respond. To be honest, when I wrote it, I really didn’t
put much thought into who might read it; I was doing it for me. Then, full
disclosure, I’d be scrolling through Facebook thinking to myself, “Hmm, well _________,
just posted, and _________ has been posting all day”. “I just announced some
pretty big things including the fact that I was raped and brought to the point
where I attempted suicide. Does this confirm my original belief that no one
cares?”
As I stated in my original post, this belief of no one
caring or rather, particular people not caring, played a monumental role in why
I wanted to die. If you’re wondering the point of why I am sharing this, there
are several. Before this begins to sound like a rant, here in lies point number
one—I am done. I proofread read before I post, just as I think before I speak,
but I am done holding back feelings (mental, emotional, and physical). If I
feel it, I’ll write it, and if I write it well enough, hopefully you’ll feel it
too. It’s a work in progress, but this is step one—and today’s post is about as
real as it gets. My previous post while tough to read, was uplifting, today,
while the overall message is still positive you’re getting something I never would
normally share—a bad day. This is as real as it gets.
The thoughts
and feelings that transpired that day were heavily rooted in my past. It
brought forth old insecurities that I obviously continue to struggle with to
this day. When I was in the hospital I had certain family members that didn’t
show up and kept out of contact, while those that did either challenged the
validity of my being sick or reprimanded me for occasionally venting on
Facebook when I had a bad day. I believe one person in particular said, and I
quote that I had the “devil in my heart” for having the audacity to be sad I
was in the hospital on Christmas day. It is not all black and white, and while
I have said things during that time I resent, I am working to forgive myself
knowing they were the words of a lonely, scared teenage girl. I’ve come to find
it is much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. We can all
be so hard on ourselves and hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do
others. But we are human too; imperfect beings. Whenever it came time to lay
all of my cards on the table, I was afraid to show my hand. In my mind, it had
become apparent, that no one was interested in the real answer to, “how are you”.
“I’m fine” seemed to be the safe answer for me to use to avoid any potential
backlash. Any answer other than “I’m fine”, opened up what was stated to discussion,
potential interpretation, and a slew of insensitive comments. One of my
favorites (and I will not name drop), was quite hurtful at the time, but
something I look back on and laugh at. Early on in my days out of the hospital,
someone commented on my appearance, something to the tune of “you look very
beautiful”, my mom chimed in, “she may look beautiful on the outside but she is
really struggling on the inside with a lot of pain”. Said person replied, “Well
you can’t have it all”. Now I think “you’re preaching to the choir, sister”!
*snickers* This is a person that meant well, but when given an opportunity to
listen, sympathize and empathize, either was not expecting the response she received
and/or didn’t know how to appropriately respond. Isn’t it true that so many
people are well meaning but what they say just doesn’t come out right? My new
motto has become, “forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
It is critical to take a step back when someone hurts you and consider whether
or not it was done with malicious intent. Nine out of ten times I think the
answer will be “no”. It doesn’t mean the content of what was said or done doesn’t
still hurt, but perhaps this new perspective will help you to hurt a little less.
I was talking to my mom at dinner last night when she
told me about a man she came across in Publix (a local grocery store). This is
a man she has seen before; he works there stocking the shelves where they
occasionally exchange a friendly greeting. Yesterday day however, she asked him
“How are you?” in response he said, “Actually I’m exhausted”. My mom went on to inquire further and found out his daughter was in the hospital and he was incredibly
worried and stressed out. At the end of the conversation he thanked her for
talking to him and listening. It was a weight was lifted off his shoulders.
Break up the monotony because it can be cathartic to open up to people, and
share what has been bothering you instead of allowing the negative thoughts to
play cyclically in your head. Sometimes
we really aren’t expecting someone to engage us in friendly banter beyond the
typical “Hi. How are you?”, “Hi. I’m fine. How are you?”, “Fine. Thank you.
Bye.”, “Bye”. So when someone switches it up and answers truthfully whether it
be positive or negative, if we get more than a one syllable answer, like a deer
caught in headlights, what do we do? You’re
thrown of your game, but someone has peaked your interest and appealed to your
sensibilities. Using the example of my mom’s encounter with the grocery store
employee, she did two things. Foremost, she empathized and showed interest.
This can be done by simply saying, “I’m sorry to hear that”. This lets the
person know that they were heard and you care. Subsequently, she followed up
with a question. “What is going on?” showing concern. Follow up questions, are
key when someone tells you they are not okay. Asking questions like, “are you
okay?”, “what happened?”, and “is there anything you need”, are imperative to
making one feel like they are cared for.
This brings me to point number two—social convention
indicates one should ask another “how are you” as a polite effort to connect
and make small talk. Ask yourself: when you ask someone how they are doing, do
you genuinely want to know or are you asking because you feel like it is the
right thing to do? While I’m sure you want to be polite, I am also sure that
when talking to those you love and care about, if there was something wrong,
you would want to know. I know I would. You have to think, if that is your
mindset and mine, there has to be a good percentage of people that feel the
same way. To think you are the only caring person in the world, is a very
cynical way to look at life. What I have learned is if someone has asked me a
question, they have asked me a question. I know that is a logical fallacy, but
it is true. Give them the answer. How they take your answer, interpret it,
respond to it, don’t respond, et cetera, is not your problem. The way someone
responds in regards to you says a lot more about them than it does about you.
As I like to say, “Sounds like a ‘you’ problem”.
A roundabout way of bringing us to point number three:
do what you need to do for you and everyone else can kindly go forth and
fornicate with thine self. *wink* I decided to write this a few nights ago
after my pre-school teacher heard about what happened to me through the
grapevine and was not satisfied with just a phone call so she paid me a visit.
I tend to “collect” my teachers, elementary through high school and maintain
good relationships with all of them as well as the librarians, office staff,
and other teachers that I knew around the time I attended each particular
school. It’s one of the things I am most proud of because these people are not
just family to me but they are family to each other (particularly the DBFE
staff). As soon as I posted on the 25th, word got around quick to one
of the few teachers I had that is not on Facebook. After contacting my mom and
playing phone tag with me she came over after school, greeted me with gorgeous
flowers, and we talked for a couple of hours (okay, that’s a lie—more like 5
hours) and drank the wine she brought. The first half of the discussion was
spent laughing and joking until the conversation took a turn. She was there telling
me what she thought about what I wrote, reiterating that she is here for me,
and then telling me she thinks of me as a daughter. And to be honest, I felt
like an idiot. Everyone who knows me well knows compliments, especially in
person make me feel very uncomfortable. It is like sitting there while people
sing, “happy birthday” to you. I had been so down and hurt, so focused on who
wasn’t there, that I had taken for granted who was. It wasn’t just that night,
it was THE night. The night I almost died in ICU as I went into emergency
surgery, my mom was texting her updates. The second my mom said I was going
into surgery (mind you this is 11:00pm on a Sunday night) she hopped in her car
and drove to sit in the waiting room with my mom. Since that night, my focus
had been on my father being fifteen minutes away and deciding he was too tired
to show up, when it should have been on the amazing woman that came and sat
with my mother whom otherwise would’ve been alone in that waiting room, scared,
not knowing if I would make it out of surgery. It doesn’t take away the pain by
any means, but it has shed some light on the fact that perhaps my priorities
have been a little (pardon my French) f*cked up. It was in that realization
that everything became so clear. It wasn’t just her, it was every person that
commented on my last post, it was every friend that did show up in the hospital,
and it was the friends that were there almost every day at one point that
became our family. That’s all that matters. It made me realize not all family
is blood. Some say “blood is thicker than water”, but I like to think the blood
of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
My final point being, the people whom are there for
you are not always the people you’d expect to be there for you, but they’re
there, and I can’t imagine my life without them. Thank you, from the bottom of
my heart to each and every single one of you that reached out to me. Many of
you said you didn’t know what to say or you felt like what you were saying wasn’t
enough, but believe me, it was and is more than enough. Your words, thoughts,
and prayers mean the world to me. YOU mean the world to me. Thank you.
With Love,
Deborah A. Feathers
xoxo
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Rape Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
My Email: deborahfeathers@gmail.com
#rapeculture #notokay #rapecultureiswhen #whyistayed
#yesallwomen #allmencan #fem2 #youoksis #activisim #ibelieveher #cuentalo
#suicideprevention #depression #suicide #mentalhealth #like #likeforlike
#like4like #comment #commentforcomment #comment4comment #follow
#followforfollow #follow4follow #rape #rainn #rapevictim #metoo
#nomeansno
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